As a supremely private person, I never truly show the public who I am. I have a love of wild things, photography, nature, great minds, and pure hearts. To share gives me joy. I have lived somewhat of a recluse life for the better part of my adult life, with a few significant relationships along the way. Nuance is my nature, in part because I am who I am, and because of the never-ending reconciliatory work of surviving trauma. I prefer books and cats to human interaction. I dance under the sky. I kiss the Sun and touch my face to the Earth. I often tinker around consignment stores with a love of things old. Maybe it’s the way they have been used, and still have a tinge of beauty to offer second-hand buyers. I take myself on dates, seeking out vegetarian delicacies. I have traveled across the globe and immersed myself in SE Asian cultures. I have loved so many things in this life and “lost”. My understanding of detachment is likely unmatched. I am an eternal student of life. New experiences, people, places, and alternate ways of being awaken my spirit’s call. I am a mother, sister, companion and confidant. A conduit of healing for the loneliest of lonely. Holder of hearts, broken and whole. A celebrator of life. Mistress of the moon. Daughter of the cosmos. Eternally betrothed to freedom.
Private as I am, I encourage the importance of transparency, of showing others both the joys and pains of who we are, how we got here, and what our heart’s intentions are going forward. The truth sets us free. Even the scary truths. For me, I exist in service to humanity, to all sentient beings. To reflect the divine light within each of you, back to you. Especially so in moments you may have forgotten. I wish to remind the collective of both our likeness’, as well as the beauty of the things that make us each unique. The interwoven tapestry of life, flowing as the life force within each element of existence. I just want to be here with you. To hold and make well. To elevate. To love.
A few not so random facts about me, to bring you a little closer, so you feel me, as I wish to feel you:
• I spent time in a mental facility at 16 years old when in fact there was nothing mental about me. Only my heart was broken. “Girl Interrupted” is one of my favorite movies to date.
• I had three beautiful bi-racial children by the time I was 21. This was not as popular in small town rural areas of the mid 90’s as it has come to be today.
• There was a time in my life I stole food, clothing and other necessities to survive, without guilt. Poverty is the crime. Capitalism the master.
• I have been without a home more than a few times in life. Many sweet beings gave me shelter. Their kindness is why I give to life today, unconditionally.
• In 2003, I spent 6 months in a jail cell for retaliating against a racist retired State trooper who trafficked me.
• My family signed two of my children away to the State while I was in jail, unable to collectively decide how to care for them. I know it was because of the color of their skin. Deep down, they know this too. Grace has since been given. Twelve years of separation ended, and the circle came full.
• I live as a felon in the US for going on 18 years now, having been forced to plead guilty for a “crime” against my abuser. Only people labeled felons can truly understand this social death– a sentence one can never escape, no matter what we do to rise or make amends.
• The two men I loved most in life, outside of my Suns, have passed on. Both untimely and tragic deaths. The first in May 2007. The most recent in October 2018. I do not know my heart will ever fully recover, nor that it should.
• I spent over 15 years in and out of the labor trafficking realm to survive, when nearly no one would employ a more than qualified and desiring “felon”. A war I did not consent to was mapped onto me as a small child, if I am being honest. Yet today, I see with a different eye, and gaze upon the darkness with a smiling heart.
• In 2012, I chose to use education as my way out. I spent 8 years between undergrad and my graduate work, accruing nearly 100,000 in debt. I truly believed those pieces of paper would change my status in life. They did not, have not, and likely will not. But my understanding of the richness of life, of the human condition, and other ways of being in and across the world, have deeply been expanded on.
• Before 2020 happened, I spent 6 years with a holistic counselor who changed my own life for the better. My gratitude for the space she held for me to grow and reflect is immeasurable. She is every bit of the reason I was inspired to create my own business and offer loving support to others in whatever ways spirit calls upon me.
These are the things that make me who I am. I do not often speak of them because I understand while they felt real in the moments, at the end of the day they are simply stories we tell ourselves about ourselves; ones I worked to co-create out of my soul’s need to understand a certain thing this lifetime. I am no longer afraid of the ways my life laid the groundwork for who I am. For the ways I would under/innerstand. For the depths of compassion I feel, having my own heart shattered so many times before. Each and every brick brought me here. To you. To myself. I am infinitely grateful. Still, I am the light. Was always so. And always will I shine.